Quantum Matrimony
by Doombly
Summary: The Luteces decide to take narcissism to its ultimate conclusion.


In honor of Ken Levine's latest tweet: "Now its time to get to work on letting physicists named Lutece marry themselves." I've decided to finally put this story on ! (Previously it had only been on Tumblr.)

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The pocket dimension had been changed to resemble Lutece Lab's living room and parlor, albeit heavily scaled up to accompany all the guests. The couch, bookshelves, equipment and the device itself were absent, replaced by rows of identical couches with an opening through the middle covered in red carpet.

Roberts and Rosalinds from dozens of universes occupied the couches, organized not in terms of relation to the bride and groom but just where they preferred to sit. After all, technically they all were both the bride and the groom. At the far end of the room stood a Robert who'd taken to Christianity, holding a bible in his left hand and scowling at everyone involved. Standing in front of him, dressed in traditional wedding attire, were _the_ Rosalind and Robert, the quantum superposition from which all other Luteces were a part of. It was how they'd managed to locate and bring all their guests.

To their right were Roberts who had been chosen as the best man and groomsmen, and to their left were the Rosalind maid of honor and Rosalind bridesmaids. So as not to bring any jealousy or discontent, these Roberts and Rosalinds had all been chosen for having platonic relationships, whether because they were biological twins, had found other partners, were asexual, aromantic, or some mixture of the those. For ring bearers, those Luteces who had had children had each of them flip coins, continuing on until one pair remained. It had taken far longer than expected considering that, while a single pair of twins were the most common offspring, there were variables, such as a pair who had produced five children. The winners had been twins named Roger and Rosette. Another Lutece pair who were expecting had been disqualified much to their chagrin.

"Fetuses cannot flip coins, let alone carry rings," the superposition Rosalind had explained. It was logic that her pregnant counterpart could not deny, but it didn't improve her mood.

A Rosalind and Robert from a universe where Columbia was built in 2014 were filming the ceremony on their smartphones, while a pair who were punk rock musicians rather than scientists would provide the reception's musical styling. Another Robert was sketching out a portrait of the bride, groom, bridesmaids, and groomsmen. However, much to his Rosalind's annoyance, he had replaced all the Rosalinds with Roberts, even the bride. He kept the wedding gown though. One pair who had settled in a time period after the advent of the internet said they were going to "liveblog" the ceremony on their "tumbler." To keep the guests entertained, one pair were fencing near the back of the room. The Roberts and Rosalinds in the crowd were cheering on their respective counterparts, but no one expected the match to end in anything but a tie. One could not beat oneself, after all.

Roger and Rosette solemnly walked down the aisle to deliver the rings. There had been no one to give Rosalind away, not that she even liked the idea of someone having the authority over her to do so. Instead she had just stood next to Robert even before the ceremony began. Once the young twins began their march, a Rosalind who had become a piano virtuoso started playing. Instead of a typical wedding tune, she played a French song which, in one universe where background music was a normal fact of life, played whenever the Luteces appeared.

To an outsider all of the Luteces in attendance, including the superposition bride and groom, wore stoic, expressionless faces. But a hint of a smile tugged at the corners of most of their lips, and twinkled in their eyes, betraying the emotions they were feeling inside.

The twins arrived and held up their pillows, each with a gold wedding band resting on its center, to Robert and Rosalind. Missionary Robert, or Rob as he preferred to be called, sighed and pinched the bride of his nose. There was at least one Lutece pair that were professional hit men as well as scientists who were somewhere within the crowd to ensure Rob's furthered cooperation.

Rob coughed to get everyone's attention. He opened his Bible and began to speak.

"We are gathered here today in the presence of… ourselves… to share with Bride and Groom the most important moment in their lives. Without the _unholy_ ," A red sniper's dot appeared over Rob's forehead. "I-I mean, without the _love_ between these… two… people? Person? Wait a moment." Rob closed the Bible and held up his free hand. "We're all the same person, does that mean I'm marrying myself? I can't do that, I'm already married."

"It's much easier," the superposition Rosalind answered, "if you just rely on your natural cognitive dissonance and ignore the implications of this act."

"No," Rob spat back. "I will not take part in this… polygamy, I'm not a Mormon!"

"You are aware," the superposition Robert said, "That there are other versions of myself who can and would perform this ceremony with no issue?" A second sniper dot focused on Rob's forehead.

"Besides, the majority of us are agnostic atheists, not Mormons," Rosalind added. "Are there even any Mormon ourselves in attendance?" A couple hands in the back raised up. "Well with the number of us here, it can't be helped."

"Not all Mormons!" One of the Roberts' who had raised their hand shouted.

Rob sighed. "Fine, let's just get this over with." He re-opened his Bible.

"Robert, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her, for so long as you both shall live?"

"I do," Robert answered, smiling at Rosalind. He took the ring from Roger and placed on Rosalind's outstretched ring finger.

"Rosalind, will you have this man to be your wedded husband, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, so long as you both shall live?"

"I do," Rosalind took the ring offered by Rosette and put on Robert's finger.

"In as much as Robert and Rosalind have consented together in wedlock and have witnessed the same before this company of… themselves… and pledged their vows to each other, by the authority vested in me by the State of… the Lutece… Labs?" Rob paused for a minute, unsure how to proceed when there was no clear jurisdiction for a pocket dimension. He shrugged it off. "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss."

Rob muttered "you heathens," under his breath while the superposition Rosalind and Robert embraced. The Luteces in the crowd politely applauded and dabbed at their universally tearing eyes with handkerchiefs.

Robert and Rosalind parted, then turned towards the guests.

"We would again like to thank all of us for attending this ceremony," Robert began.

"While Robert and I may be the sum of all of ourselves, we are still all unique individuals," Rosalind continued, "At least individual to the point that we hope you understand this ceremony applied only to myself and the Robert next to me."

"We have no desire to impose on your own relationships. Just think of this union as an affirmation that," Robert continued.

"We are together, we were together, and we will be together. Always," Rosalind finished.

The newlyweds kissed again and all the Roberts and Rosalinds resumed their applause. Even Rob sniffled a little, then prayed forgiveness for being involved in this heretical affair.


End file.
